Chili Peppers vs. Bananas

Today at The Floating Hyena, we’re going to answer a question that has plagued humankind for millennia: Which are better, chili peppers or bananas? To arrive at a conclusion, we must carefully weigh the pros and cons of each food item, making sure not to simplify the matter even if we ourselves don’t really care for bananas that much—I mean, they’re OK, but, if you can pardon the pun, people go a little too bananas for them—and even if we think that chili peppers are one of the greatest things in existence, exceeding even the sensation of popping bubble wrap.

Here’s what we found:

Chili Peppers

Pros

• Chili peppers come in a wide array of colors: green, yellow, orange, red, white, and even purple. Yes, purple, people!
• They also come in a variety of sizes, too, from the certainly not gigantic but still pretty sizeable poblano to those little hot ones they sell at the grocery store that are so hot it’s absurd that they’re sold by the pound because nobody would need to buy more than, like, two of them, amounting to about a zillionth of a pound, for their entire year’s worth of hotness, they’re that intense.
• A great episode of The Simpsons revolves around Homer hallucinating after eating an insanely hot chili pepper.
• A band that at least used to be pretty great was named after a certain kind of chili pepper.
• Name a food that doesn’t suck without chili peppers in it. They even make a good jelly. Think about it.

Cons

• They make some people—whom I call babies—cry.
• If you chop them and forget to wash your hands afterward, you are opening yourself up to a world of pain, especially if you touch “sensitive” parts of your body, if you get my drift.
• You run out of them from time to time.

Bananas

Pros

• If you actually eat them when they’re ripe, but not overripe, they are pretty tasty.
• “The Banana Boat Song” is all right.

Cons

• “If you actually eat them when they’re ripe, but not overripe, they are pretty tasty,” which is for about five minutes. Eat them before then and they still taste green or after it and they taste like rotting garbage.
• A friend of mine who’s a native of India pointed out to me that there are more varieties of bananas than Americans eat, which is generally: one. I’ve seen the others in stores, and you know what I say? “Not interested!” So as far as I’m concerned, bananas come in one color, one size, and one flavor: banana. How boring!
• Bananas inspired the banal show The Banana Splits.
• If you refrigerate a banana in its peel, it turns black.
• “Electric banana” was a scam. A cruel, cruel scam.
• Watching somebody in a movie slip on a banana peel is funny if you’re a brain-damaged two year old.
• A “banana cream pie” is just a vanilla pudding pie without the guts to be just a vanilla pudding pie.
• Banana bread makes terrible tuna salad sandwiches.

The Winner: Chili peppers.

In your face, bananas!

—S.M.

Capsule Movie Review: “Lucy”

Scarlett Johansson is everywhere!

—S.M.

Capsule Movie Review: “Guardians of the Galaxy”

Quill finds an orb on Morag that contains an infinity stone explaining why the Kree Ronan—or more particularly the titan Thanos—desires it. Little do they know but Quill has banded with Rocket Raccoon, Groot, Drax, and Gamora to bring it to the Nova Corps on Xandu before they can be intercepted by Kree or Yondu and the Ravagers!

—S.M.

Television Finally Targets the Sophisticated Man

New cable networks keep popping up in my channel guide. The latest one I’ve noticed, is the “Esquire Network”— as in the magazine that features alluring photos of the most-beautiful actress du jour, and/or soon-to-be SNL host. But it used to practice some journalism, so it’s perhaps more respected than others on the same rack.

When I check the guide (which I admit, is not that often), Esquire is running either a “Burn Notice”, Miami Vice”, or “American Ninja Warrior” rerun. This lineup won’t cut it over the long haul. The key to success for any 21^st century cable network, is original “reality” TV programming. The less related to the actual network, the better (History’s “Ice Road Truckers”, for example).

A number of possible shows have been “leaked”.

These seem like they have a shot:

“Four Horsemen Dude Ranch”
Death, War, Famine, and Pestilence (who goes by Skip) operate a Dude Ranch in the Poconos, and controversy abounds right out of the gate. In episode 1, War handles a property line dispute with the neighboring organic flax farmers, Death threatens the judges of a square dance contest, a video of Pestilence’s inept attempt to rope a calf goes viral, and Famine struggles with the grocery shopping.

“Waiting for ‘Waiting For Godot’”
Cornelius and Franz Ferdinand set up lawn chairs on the sidewalk outside a theater in hopes of getting front row tickets for a production of the Becket classic— which may or may not be on the schedule— and the producers throw many a challenge at the gentlemen as they attempt to maintain their place in line. Pull off your boots, and watch while enjoying a refreshing Pepsi Max.

“The Mandrills and the Baboons”
A family of mandrills moves into a duplex, next door to a family of baboons. Insults won’t be the only thing flung between the two families, as they compete in the cutthroat world of print advertising. Each ‘presentation’ is more engrossing than the next.

“Fanny Pack Sweatshop”
An unvarnished look at a rag tag team of unemployed lumberjacks, tuna fishermen, and ice road truckers, given a second chance at success in the merciless world of fanny pack manufacturing and wholesaling.

“Big Drunk Fuckers”
The ups and downs of a family of hillbillies who hate, everyone.

 —r.c.

Capsule Movie Review: Darren Aronofsky’s “Noah”

The story of Noah told like a 21^st century Ray Harryhausen film without Ray Harryhausen.

—S.M.

A Few Changes

 

Dear Mr. Sundberg,

Thank you for submitting your script The Soft Doves of Christmas for our consideration. I am happy to report that Universal Studios is interested in developing it into a motion picture.   I’m enclosing a few recommendations for changes we would like you to make before we begin production.

First of all, the title. Instead of The Soft Doves of Christmas, let’s call it something that sounds like a sequel, like Another Day to Kill. Or maybe More Death Blood. Or how about something more poetic like Bloodier and Deathier or Look Who’s Killing Too, something to get the audience to think they’ve already seen it, or something a lot like it, so they’ll actually plunk down over ten bucks to see it?

Then, make a few changes to the opening scene. Right now you’ve got this old couple living in a farmhouse in New England. Change it instead to two CIA ops infiltrating a terrorist training camp in some exotic locale pretending to be an old couple living in a farmhouse in New England. We’ve already got the film cast: Channing Tatum and Nicolas Cage. Tatum can take the old lady’s lines and Cage can be her husband. Tatum: “The persimmons are especially ripe this time of year.” Cage: “True, true, but the parsnips will be especially succulent after the first frost. More chamomile tea?” But they’ll be buddies instead of a married couple, with Tatum as the violent agent who’s kind of crazy and Cage as his partner who’s even crazier. And instead of having them talk about what a fulfilling life they’ve had, have them talk about the time they stopped Hitler’s clone from crashing a helicopter into the Eiffel Tower. Otherwise, the rest is the same.

Except the end of the scene. You’ve got the couple holding one another, looking at a vermilion sunset, a gaggle of geese flying in a V overhead, and the husband says to his wife, “Look at the sunlight staining the barley,” and she replies, “Like joy has stained the memories of our lives.” I’m thinking—and I would be willing to bet that Universal would back me up on this—that instead, it’s specially trained ninja terrorists flying overhead, and they can Kung Fu it out with Tatum and Cage, kicking, chopping, leaping, twirling, rolling, and generally getting all Matrixy. And instead of the sunset, suddenly an orange and red fireball rolls out, hurling ninjas through the air like feces from a monkey cage. And as our heroes dive for cover, Tatum goes: “Noooooooo!” or “Stoooooooop!” or “Not this tiiiiiiiiiime!” And Cage goes: “Nooooooo!” or “Stooooooooop!” or “Oh my Goooooooood!” You know, maybe Tatums’s mother was kidnapped by the terrorists or something and they blew her up, so that he’s got something personal at stake.

OK, skip to page 24. Instead of a grandchild, make it a midget ninja torture specialist who knows kung fu. Tatum and Cage kung fu it out with him. On page 36, more kung fu. When the family dog appears, kung fu again. Maybe another explosion, ‘cause the dog’s really a robotic timebomb. Pistolwhip the baby on page 40, kung fu, kung fu, kung fu, a couple gun fights, the bluebirds are really miniature explosives, big fireball, a skyscraper cascades to the ground in a scintillating spectacle of dust, glass, and fire, “Nooooooo!” or “Motheeeeeeeeeer!” ‘cause maybe Cage’s mom was there. Umm, you know, as I write this, I’m having problems with Tatum’s motivation on page 36. That third kung fu fight doesn’t ring true. It’s just not realistic enough.

I got it! And tell me I’m not a freaking genius for coming up with it, because it adds a whole new potential for CGI effects coming out the ying yang: the terrorists have bigger targets than mere terrestrial ones: Cage and Tatum are out to save the moon!

We’ll expect the revisions in two weeks.

Take care,

Harvey W—.

 

—S.M.

The Dapper Gentleman’s Buying Guide

Neckerchiefs: The ideal neckerchief must be of a fabric that is thick enough to be durable, yet thin enough to be tied. Leather, burlap, and rubberized fabrics are therefore not ideal—a disadvantage to people who are into both neckerchiefs and bondage, which I have to imagine account for most of them. Perhaps there is a Venn diagram showing this.

Untied, the neckerchief should be a square of hemmed fabric, approximately 22″ per side. Anything under 20″ will be difficult to tie. Anything over 25″ is a scarf. Neckerchiefs should not be confused with bandanas. Neckerchiefs are suitable for cowboys, railroad conductors, and Fancy Dans. Bandanas are for hobo luggage, and Bruce Springsteen.

Spats: Spats are like neckerchiefs for your shoes. They should always be bought in pairs, and referred to in the plural—never say “spat,” unless you are describing a minor argument, or expectoration in the past tense. Spats should never be worn with jorts, skorts, or puttees, if only because one would sound idiotic describing such combinations over the phone, whether to the police or a phone-sex operator.

Dickies: Always purchase this item in person, from a reputable clothier. Do NOT attempt to search for a dicky online. Trust us on this one.

Cumberbunds: Budget-minded men have been known to try to save money by wearing high-waisted pants and drawing a subtle, horizontal line at mid-fly with a china marker to create the illusion of a cumberbund. This is not a sartorial risk worth taking. Shell out for the genuine article—you will thank us.

Jodhpurs: The most common mistake most fellows make when buying jodhpurs is in not selecting a pair that is sufficiently baggy. Rule of thumb: one should be able to conceal a regulation-size rugby ball in each leg without chafing.

Cravats and Ascots: Unlike neckerchiefs and bandanas, these two are the same damn thing, and any haberdasher who tries to convince you otherwise is probably a Bolshevik.

—R.K.

Capsule Movie Review: “Maleficent”

What did I expect?

—S.M.