Seven Reasons Why I Love Spoons

OK. I’ve got a confession. I have a fondness for spoons. Not in a sexual way, mind you. I had a roommate in college who told me that in a psychology class he learned spoons were a symbol for the penis, which at least helped me to understand the bizarre scene in Reflections of a Golden Eye when Marlon Brando’s closeted Maj. Weldon Penderton, after ogling a hunky Robert Forster (playing Private Williams), opens a desk drawer containing a spoon collection, removes a spoon, and caresses it with disturbingly loving attention. But that’s not how I feel about spoons. No siree. I just think they’re neat. Here are seven reasons why:

1. They generally come in a handy size so you can hold them comfortably in your hand and fit them in your mouth without too much effort. Of course, that’s generally not true of those big wooden spoons you use for cooking, so I would just recommend leaving them in the kitchen. And it certainly doesn’t include huge spoons like the kind you hang with a giant fork on your kitchen wall for decoration, though I don’t think you’re supposed to eat with those kinds of spoons, anyway. But your average teaspoon or tablespoon makes a swell eating utensil.

2. They’re handy for eating soup. Sure, there are other ways to eat soup; I’ve seen people drink it out of cups and even right out of their bowls! But eating soup with a spoon is the best way. That said, however, I’m not a big fan of soup spoons. Too broad. Just give me a plain old tablespoon, thank you very much.

3. They’re also handy for eating breakfast cereal, especially after you’ve poured milk on it. I don’t use a tablespoon for breakfast, though. Rather, I use a teaspoon. It’s the perfect size for scooping up some Corn Flakes!

4. They’re good for eating ice cream, too. I mean, what are you going to use to eat ice cream, a fork? Granted, if it’s served on a cone, you can just lick it, no utensils required. But if you licked your ice cream in a bowl, you’d look like an animal!

5. They’re not forks. There. I said it. People who eat everything with forks are just snobs, if you ask me. We’ll leave forks for high society. Us common folks will be plenty happy to use spoons.

6. You can collect them. Throughout history, many cities around the world have crafted collectible spoons, much like the ones in Maj. Penderton’s desk drawer, though there’s no need to have a sexual obsession about them! They’re simply beautiful in their own right.

7. I can’t really come up with a seventh reason, so let’s just say number seven is a repeat of all the reasons given above.

In conclusion, spoons are a wonderful utensil and a magnificent addition to any household.

—S.M.